Professional cuddling is an excellent grift: Take an activity that requires literally no training or skill, build a website and refer to yourself as a "specialist." Boom—lucrative business opportunity. William Blake died in penniless obscurity, but a couple offering their services as cuddling experts will probably have 10 news items written about them today. If this is a misguided attempt at an April Fool's joke, head's up—it's not new! Also, you're going to hell. A call to the couple's business line was unanswered, so we're just going to give everyone the benefit of the doubt here.
DNAinfo managed to locate The Ideal Cuddle, "founded" by Hunts Point couple Noelia Bonilla and Charlie Amadiz, who feel that cuddling is a "classic solution to life's many obstacles."
"Feel cherished and loved in the cuddle of your choice, free of expectations. Leave the worries for later and come cuddle with us now," their website reads. There is lots and lots more text, thanks to a popular misconception that verbosity is synonymous with legitimacy. Just know that the words "comfort," "platonic love" and "we will be dressed in pajamas," are used throughout.
Charlie, the "male cuddle specialist," is "compassionate and sensitive to your needs." Noelia is "thoughtful, sweet and upbeat," though "upbeat" hardly seems like a sought-after quality in a professional spooner—shouldn't you just lie very, very still while your clients sob into their hair?
And yes, to answer your question, you can have both Charlie and Noelia cuddle you at once, though it will set you back $120 for a 45 minute session. An individual cuddle is $60 for 45 minutes, and goes up from there.
Oh, this seems like a good time to announce this news: Soon, Gothamist will begin offering a service in which we do not touch or in any way acknowledge your existence, with rates beginning at what I think is a very reasonable $500 per 40 minute session. Please keep an eye out for our Kickstarter.
